You get two batches in one day because this last batch, well, yeah. This is the last four! For anyone who’s seeing just this post, I’m doing the Minneapolis mayoral candidates in batches of four, alphabetically. (Mostly. I screwed up the order in one post.)
David Rosenfeld SOCIALIST WORKERS PARTY
Ian Simpson THE IDEA PARTY
Captain Jack Sparrow BASIC INCOME GUARANTEE
David John Wilson RAINBOWS BUTTERFLIES UNICORNS
It’s 2017, and Socialism is hot. Like, it’s current and fresh and people are actually calling themselves socialists and little red rose emojis are all over Twitter.
But among the Socialist Workers, it might as well still be 1998. Right down to their website design. David Rosenfeld links to The Militant, which is entirely stuff like “Capitalism makes storms social disaster for workers: Cuban Revolution mobilizes population to defend island” with zero content related in any useful way to the Minneapolis mayoral race. He offers zero information about himself. I found someone on Facebook that might be him, but there’s almost no public info (other than that he “liked” a conservative talk radio station back in 2012?) and he’s not on LinkedIn.
Seriously! Guys! YOU ARE MISSING YOUR MOMENT!
Is there any reason to believe he’s qualified to be mayor? no.
Does he have any chance of winning? no.
Is there any reason to vote for him? no. Even if you’re a socialist. YOU CAN DO BETTER.
Ian says he’s running with “The Idea Party,” which makes it even funnier that his website has zero ideas. It has some irrelevant stock art that he couldn’t be arsed to change, though.
I found another Ian Simpson on LinkedIn who’s a writer for an ad agency with a truly obnoxious website. (“We dig deep to find a true insight that creates an emotional tie between brands and Conscious Consumers. We call this the Connector.”)
That’s all I’ve got.
Is there any reason to believe he’s qualified to be mayor? no.
Does he have any chance of winning? no.
Is there any reason to vote for him? no.
It takes a very special sort of person to go to court to have your name changed to “Captain Jack Sparrow,” cosplay as Jack Sparrow 24/7, and then complain about how no one takes you seriously.
His post about the race went up in July. If you visit his website, you’ll want to click on that post to see the whole thing as otherwise it gets truncated in the middle of a super random rant about Viking raiders killing women and children and you’ll miss (a) the connection to current policy and (b) his actual stances on stuff.
The connection between Viking raiders and current policy is that he wants to demand that the football team change its name: “Another way to prevent violence, is to stop glorifying the purveyors of violence, those from the past, as well as those in the present. In Europe, the Vikings went on a rampage, where they would attack undefended villages, killing everyone, including the women and children. Even the clergy were killed in the name of Odin. They were also in the Americas, initiating the genocidal activities towards the Native Americans, which was then continued after the arrival of Columbus, some 500 years later. The Vikings left a legacy of murder, rape and slavery wherever they went. I am calling for the elimination of the word “Vikings” in the name of the Minnesota football team.”
Let’s see, his other stances. Universal basic income: he’s for it. Policing: “The problem of inadequate protection in poor neighborhoods is at least as important as the issue of police abuse by some police officers toward people in these neighborhoods.” (He attached himself pretty firmly to the Occupy movement, and I suspect he misses it. BLM has got to be less fun for him.) Climate change: he’s against it. Transit: for.
He’s firmly against people not taking him seriously: “While the mainstream press has tried to make me out to be a frivolous or non-serious candidate, if you read my blog you will see that I am serious indeed.” Dude, I am reading your blog. Serious candidates don’t put up a single blog post in July and wait for campaign workers and votes to roll in.
Also, you cosplay this guy:
You are not owed anyone’s time and attention. You earn it by being worth listening to.
Is there any reason to believe he’s qualified to be mayor? no.
Does he have any chance of winning? no.
Is there any reason to vote for him? no.
My first question about this guy was whether he was John Charles Wilson of the Lauraist party with a minor name change. No, he’s not. John Charles Wilson is not running this year.
My second question was on the details of what the “Rainbows Butterflies Unicorns” party or principle involved, exactly. Like, is he proposing protections for unicorns, or is he hoping for a study proving unicorns exist, or does he want Minneapolis residents to be granted permits to keep their own unicorns, or what, exactly? His website is not working, so I e-mailed him. I got a prompt e-mail back saying that he would be launching a website soon. That was September 4th and there is still no website.
Is there any reason to believe he’s qualified to be mayor? no.
Does he have any chance of winning? no.
Is there any reason to vote for him? no.
AND THAT IS IT FOR THE MINNEAPOLIS MAYORAL CANDIDATES. I’ll be back with either the St. Paul mayors, or some city council candidates, because holy shit did you hear about Lisa Goodman handing her used gum to another candidate right before a candidate forum? And probably some more analysis of the mayoral candidates, but with a focus on people I’d consider voting for.
Will Tell Stories For Food 
I love pirates of the Caribbean movies, do you?
I enjoyed the ones I watched (which did not include the most recently one) but have never said to myself, “wow, that Captain Jack Sparrow, I wish he were one of my elected officials.” Ever.
I like captain Jack Sparrow because is one of the main characters and he doesn’t just give up in an instant, that’s what I like about characters.