Once again, I started working on this before Thanksgiving and once again it’s now well into December and I still haven’t gotten this up. Look, it’s been a busy couple of weeks that included, among other things, proofs for Obstetrix that I had to review. A special election got called. I needed to go see Wicked.
But also, the gift guide this year was a little bit extra challenging. Because most years, it is made up heavily of stuff on Amazon for a couple of reasons:
- Amazon’s URLs are mostly pretty reliable. I just went and looked at my 2019 gift guide and while lots of the items I linked to are “currently unavailable,” the link still pulls up the item and the photo so you can see what it looked like. Since most people come just to gawk at the hilariously weird stuff, it’s good to know that the links won’t break.
- (This is actually pretty key) I don’t have to worry that I will hurt the feelings of some human artist by saying “give THIS to someone you dislike!” and I worry about that a lot when linking to things on, say, Etsy.
- I have an Amazon Affiliate store which means I can set the links such that if people buy the stuff I link to, I get a little bit of money.
But I know quite a lot of people this year who are boycotting Amazon (and Target and a bunch of other big stores). This created sort of a quandary. After a bunch of waffling I decided that the Amazon links were unavoidable, but I also made an effort to find a bunch of non-Amazon options. To the Etsy sellers who find their way back here: I swear I’m not insulting your creations. I’m just saying that the sort of jerks who would deserve passive-aggressive gifts from my readers would almost certainly not appreciate your work properly.
To be clear: I am always in favor of just not buying presents for awful people. But I am also in favor of self-care, and sometimes self-care means making the gesture that will let you avoid the drama. The thing about gifts is that most of the bad gifts that are given are not bought out of passive-aggressive malice but out of clueless good will, and this provides a lot of camouflage for anyone who gifts their brother-in-law a short sleeved button-down shirt with a picture of a raccoon carrying a chain saw and riding an alligator.
The usual caveats apply:
- If I have ever given you a terrible gift, I am very sorry and I promise it wasn’t because I hate you. (I don’t give gifts to anyone I don’t sincerely like and care about.)
- If you have ever given me a gift, I did not scrutinize it for signs that you hated me. I assume the best about people who give me presents. Actually I generally assume the best about anyone I’m on regular interaction terms with and I sail through life these days assuming that people like me and think I’m cool (this was not always true, but hey, being over 50 comes with certain benefits). If you hate me, I probably don’t even know it.
On to the horrors!
Condiments and/or Ingredients
CNN this year ran a hilariously off-base guide to Hanukkah gifts. Among the fuckups: an ornament (yes, some families do a Hanukkah Bush but you should never assume people do) and also extra-virgin olive oil with the description, “they can even use it to fry latkes during the holiday” (no one deep fries latkes in EVOO, you weirdos). There’s also a “latkes and lights” scented candle but it turns out it’s not actually latke-scented. (A latke-scented candle would make you mad that you didn’t have any latkes, which would be kind of perfect, but alas.)
Anyway, they also had a hot sauce set and I thought, “oh, this would be an outstanding bad gift to anyone who thinks ketchup is too spicy, i.e. an awful lot of Minnesotans, but I bet I can find something cheaper,” and voila, $10 and it comes in a cute gifting box. I was pondering extra virgin olive oil as a gift and trying to find some that would telegraph “this is too fancy to ever actually use; better leave it on the shelf forever until you cook something worthy of this olive oil” and found this specialty website with an “olive oil tasting kit.” (This is definitely a good gift for some people, a bad gift for others — use your judgement.)
Penzey’s is an assertively left-wing company that sells very nice, high quality spices. Most of their spices would actually be a good gift, but they carry a sufficiently complete array that you can definitely assemble a bad gift from their lineup. Get one of the DIY gift boxes and then fill it with the following: whole caraway seeds (useful mainly to people who bake their own rye bread), whole celery seeds (I use a little sprinkling of celery seeds in my refrigerator pickles in the summer but I do not go through them fast), cilantro (cilantro is better fresh, sorry Penzey’s!), whole coriander (they’ll have to figure out how to grind it), cream of tartar (gets used in tiny quantities to make meringue, they’ll have it forever), corned beef spices (almost no one corns their own beef), anise seeds (another rarely-used spice for most people), and then maybe throw in a cinnamon because your recipient will use that, will think “oh wow, this is really good,” and feel like they have to hold onto to the other spices because they’re probably just as good.
Horrifying Home Decor
I forget who initially linked to this object on Bluesky, but made the rounds pretty thoroughly over there:
Honest to god this is probably my favorite item this year. For reasons that truly baffle me, it is available on Shein, and it’s available on Temu, but it doesn’t seem to be available on Amazon or any other domestic retailer. Before you order, you should know a couple of important things: (1) It looks like an embroidered pillow, but it is not. That is a 100% 2-dimensional screen printed object. (2) Also it’s just a pillowcase, you have to supply your own throw pillow. On the plus side it’s also extremely cheap. If that link takes you to an unavailable version, just search “screaming goat pillow” on Shein or Temu and another one will probably pop right up.
Back in November when I started working on this, I had been reading about some godawful White House redecorating project and I started looking up ugly gold stuff on Amazon. I found this thing that looks like a metallic Koosh ball, a gold statue of a balloon dog, the lower half of someone’s face that is also a vase, and the head of a grumpy rabbit with a walrus moustache and a monocle.
But honestly, this is where Etsy really shines. A lot of Etsy sellers have 3D printed stuff on offer, and quite a bit of it is in the category “great for the right person; horrifying for your least-favorite aunt.”
First up, the 2025-appropriate Zen Gardens. You’re familiar with “Zen Garden” desk accessories, right? Here’s an example. The theory is that you keep it on your desk and you move stuff around and rake out the sand and it’s soothing and meditative and looks better on your desk than the pile of papers you currently have there.
The 2025 version looks like this:
Here is a Dumpster Fire Zen Garden that features both possums and raccoons (and a flaming dumpster.) Here is a Dumpster Fire Zen Garden with just raccoons, but it also includes a pen organizer.
This Etsy seller sells portrait suncatchers. They’re custom items, which means you can send over whatever image you’d like immortalized. Obviously in theory you’d send over a lovely photo of the grandkids but you could send your Trumpy brother-in-law an unflattering photo of his hero (this link will take you to an entire Getty gallery of unflattering photos of that fucking guy) or for that matter, a photo of the recipient and their family where everyone looks good except for the recipient. The same seller does a “pet portrait” suncatcher and I’m guessing she’s not fussy if you send an animal picture that’s not your personal pet, like you could do the raccoon that got drunk in the liquor store, or a naked mole rat. (Disclaimer: I have not actually tried to buy a naked mole rat suncatcher; results not guaranteed.)
I specifically looked up vases, because the thing about vases is, so many bouquets arrive in vases that most people wind up with a surplus. Also, there are a lot of vases for sale that are not very practical — test-tube vases, for example. Here’s a test-tube vase mounted in a disembodied hand that looks like Thing from the Addams Family. (The same artist also sells the hand without the vase.) Continuing the “disembodied hands” theme, there’s also this object, which is described as both a planter and a vase, made from a circle of hands. (The thing about a planter is that it needs to have a hole in the bottom. The thing about a vase is that it needs to not have a hole in the bottom. You can’t see the bottom in the photos and my guess is that it’s a vase, but not a vase that would work very well to hold your typical bouquet of flowers.)
There’s also this vase, which looks a little like something out of a Dr. Seuss book, but what’s really great is the striking neon green color.
People either like neon green, or they do not like neon green, and a neon green object in a room will immediately attract everyone’s eye. If you like the idea of a very brightly colored vase but want more options than just the neon green, there’s a different vase that comes in a very bright orange but also pink, purple, and multiple shades of green and blue.
“Okay, okay,” I hear you saying, “but what I really want is something shinier, that also looks like the torso of a naked man, but would somehow be appropriate as a gift to that cousin who likes to post ‘THIS IS WHAT THEY TOOK FROM YOU’ memes.” I have good news:
That is a surprisingly affordable 3D printed torso of Michelangelo’s David, as a planter, in pretty nearly any color you could imagine.
Please don’t hate me, Etsy sellers!
Frightful Fashion
One of the delightful things about doing this piece as a regular thing is that friends of mine send me links to hilariously awful stuff. I frequently say “oh wow this is amazing” and then lose track of the link, but my friend Rachael sent me a link to these boots last week.
They come in a whole range of colors, not just Elmo Red. There’s also Cookie Monster blue. (They’re kind of expensive, alas.) Every time I look at them I think, “is this fetishware for people who are really into Muppets,” because I kind of can’t imagine any other reason to wear them. Especially the red ones.
At a more reasonable price point, how about a button-down shirt with a patriotic T-Rex, or a sloth riding a llama standing on a pizza surrounded by burritos, or pirate cats? Or maybe you’d like a sloth riding a dinosaur that’s shooting lasers out its eyes!
(I am noticing a trend of sloths riding other animals, which makes a certain amount of logical sense, actually.)
You Make Coffee Wrong
Most people who drink coffee have a preferred way to make it. I use a coffee maker; I have friends with espresso makers; I have friends who make concentrated cold brew and then dilute it. But if someone is over, oh, 25 or so, and they’re a coffee drinker, they probably have come up with something that works for them.
But also if someone is a coffee drinker you can say “oh, I understand you’re a coffee drinker; I have heard that there is One True Best Way to make coffee” and give them one of the following:
- A pour-over coffee maker
- A cold-brew coffee maker
- A French Press coffee maker
- A K-cup coffee maker
- A drip coffee maker
- A camping-style percolater
Just make sure it’s whatever they don’t currently use and tell them you know they like coffee, and you’ve heard this (whatever it is) is the best way to make coffee. Instantly annoying gift.
You can also set them up with a milk frother, which is a bulky, one-purpose appliance that will take up space and they’ll probably never use.
And For the Tea Drinkers
A little insulated carafe is a great gift for a tea drinker but not this one, which according to many of the reviews, leaks like crazy. (It looks really cool, though.)
When I was in China in October, I went to a tea house where the tea was served in this little contraption where you poured water in the top, and then it dispensed it out through a little tube if you used the magnet handle to open the spout — it’s hard to explain but you could definitely get one like it for your annoying family member who drinks tea. It’s absolutely in the category of “intrinsically cool, so they won’t want to get rid of it, but actually a lot more complicated to use than a teabag and a kettle, which is what they probably use now.” (There are some great sets that look like dragons and come with eight little tea cups.)
If they do in fact use teabags, you could do the “you’re brewing your tea the wrong way” thing and give them a basket-style tea infuser. However, if they try it, they’ll probably like it.
Hot beverage drinkers of any variety can be given a mug with a little pad that keeps the beverage warm. Or you could give them this one, which will keep it lukewarm.
You Need a Hobby
One of my Bluesky friends is an artist who posts every year the advice not to give children in your life one of those “art kits” that’s got markers, watercolors, brushes, pastels, etc. all in one box, because the quality of the materials tends to be absolute dogshit. This year they specifically suggested St. Louis Art Supply as a good place to buy art supplies (both quality-wise and ethically). One of their visible mending starter kits would be a terrific passive-aggressive gift to someone who buys a lot of fast fashion.
Alternately, this loom kit will allow people to weave long strips of very narrow fabric. Here’s a fun fact about weaving: setting up the loom is by far the most annoying part of the process, and even with good instructions, most people need hands-on help the first time they do it. SLAS also has a Japanese-style indigo tye-dye kit, a spool knitting kit, and a very affordable set of wood-carving knives. (All of these would be perfectly lovely gifts to someone who’s ever expressed interest in fiber arts or wood carving. Use your own best judgment.)
Elsewhere, there’s also this, the “Buddha Board” which I think is basically a high-end Etch-a-Sketch for adults. (You paint with water and the image disappears a few minutes later and you’re supposed to relax and meditate on impermanence.)
The Gift of Experiences
Airbnb now has “Experiences,” activities in your area that you can pay someone to help you do. These experiences are highly variable by location. Minneapolis has an Axe Throwing Experience, a Nordic Spoon Carving class, and a Coffee Tasting. Other cities have Goat Yoga, Llama Yoga (Llamaste!), Beekeeping, Olive Oil Tasting, Giant Sand Castle Building, and of course many, many, many walking tours of various kinds.
Do I know someone who would 100000% enjoy Llama Yoga? YES (and I’m sorry, it’s in Atlanta, unfortunately). Do I also know people who would 1000000% not enjoy Llama Yoga? ALSO YES. Check out your local area and see what’s available.
Books That Send a Covert Message
Books are a terrific gift, but some books function on multiple levels. They can be both a really great read and a really great opportunity for passive-aggression.
Drop Dead Sisters by Amelia Diane Coomes (“It’s apparently sort of a comic thriller”) (that’s about how some men absolutely deserve killing to the point that everyone in the story will help cover it up.)
The Incandescent by Emily Tesh (OK, I’m cheating here. This is, in fact, a really terrific gift for the person in your life who just cannot let go of Harry Potter no matter how toxic JK Rowling gets. This is a magical school novel from the POV of one of the teachers, and it’s terrific and interrogates magic, social class, and the experience of adolescence. It’s just so good.) The Grimoire Grammar School Parent-Teacher Association is about the mundane parents of a magical child and is also a book about parenting a child with special needs, and is also a genuinely terrific gift for people who love (or once loved) that series.
Inventing the Renaissance: The Myth of the Golden Age by Ada Palmer. Ada is a science fiction writer and an academic historian. This is a great read for anyone interested in history, and also a great passive-aggressive gift for anyone who’s ever posted a “this is what they took from you” Tweet about Renaissance art.
You can’t give your friends and loved ones and annoying relatives my forthcoming book Obstetrix yet, because it does not come out until next June, but you can pre-order it for yourself (or, hey, any of those people! “Happy holidays! I bought you a book that’ll arrive in six months.” Who wouldn’t love that?) Pre-orders are particularly powerful for the author in a whole lot of ways: if you order it through your own local independent bookstore, they’re more likely to get it in stock. Lots of pre-orders encourage publishers to print more copies and promote books more heavily.
Passive-Aggressive Charitable Gifts
The Minnesota Zoo still lets you sponsor any animal they have at the zoo. They still don’t list their cockroaches on the big list of all the animals they have, but they do list guinea pigs (for your favorite antivaxxer) as well as Red River Hogs (known for fluffing out their facial hair to look bigger when threatened) and West African Dwarf Crocodiles (survived from the time of the dinosaurs). ETA: My dad pointed out that at our other zoo (St. Paul’s Como Zoo) you can do a symbolic animal adoption of their sloth.
Also, Habitat for Humanity continues to have a gift catalog. You can symbolically gift someone with a doorbell set if you wish to symbolically call them a ding dong; a box of hammers if you’d like to symbolic compare their understanding of the world to that possessed by such a box; and if you’d like to give them symbolic coal, I actually think furnace filters come pretty close. (Oh, and hard hats! I feel like the “hard headed” symbology there is pretty clear. But still subtle enough to get away with it.)
You can also give people tribute gifts to Doctors Without Borders.
Happy holidays!
Passive-Aggressive Gift Giving Guides from Previous Years:
2010: Beyond Fruitcake: Gifts for People You Hate
2011: Gifts that say, “I had to get you a gift. So look, a gift!”
2012: Holiday shopping for people you hate
2013: Gift Shopping for People You Hate: the Passive-Aggressive Shopping Guide
Gifts for People You Hate 2014: The Almost-Generic Edition
Whimsical Gifts (for People You Hate) 2015
Gifts for People You Hate 2016 (the fuck everything edition)
Gifts for People You Hate, 2017
Gifts for People You Hate, 2018
Gifts for People You Hate, 2019
Gifts for People You Hate, 2020: Pandemic Procrastination Edition
Gifts for People You Hate 2021: Supply Chain Mayhem
Gifts for People You Hate 2022
Gifts for People You Hate 2023
Gifts for People You Hate 2024
Will Tell Stories For Food 